My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started......

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.

A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"

A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer and she spilled sticky soda on the "keyboard."

The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the tap and leave it somewhere to dry.

The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job, he's that upset.

What he wants to know is... "What clown told my secretary to put $2000 worth of laptop under a tap?"
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western civilization.
***
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western civilization.

Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.

GIRLS: Ang BOYFRIEND parang alak isinusuka pag di na kaya... BOYS: Ang GIRLFRIEND parang COFFEE tinatapon pag di na HOT. At least ang coffee puwede painitin para maging hot ulit!! Eh ang alak na SINUKA na, maiinum mo pa ba?? ***Old school joke Juan: bakit my tali ka sa paa? Pedro: gusto ko ng magbigti Juan: bakit sa paa? dapat sa leeg! Pedro: sinubukan ko na sa leeg kanina, hindi ako makahinga eh! *** Inay: Juan, bakit may mga red color ang grades mo? Juan: naubusan kasi ng black ballpen yung teacher namin eh... Inay: ui! may apat na F dito ah... Ano yun? Juan: inay ang meaning po nun ay FASADO. Inay: aah.. Akala ko pa naman FERFECT *** Things that Sound Dirty in Law but Aren't 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 1. Think you can get me off? Things to Remember During a War 1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. 2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at. 4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat. 5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. 6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder. 7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation. 8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you. 9. You are not Tom Cruise. 10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way. 11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you. 12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea. 13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles. 14. Smart bombs have bad days too. 15. The best defense is to stay out of range. 16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,

"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says it is and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
***

THE PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED

Are you a procrastinator? You're not alone. There are so many of us we even have a creed.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

4. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regard-less of the amount of time given.

5. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

6. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

7. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

8. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

9. I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about forever.

10. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed
Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
***

A Diplomat is a person who...

always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.

always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.

can always make himself misunderstood.

can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.

can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.

can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather
than in a taxi.

can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.

can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.

can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.

can make nothing sound like something.

can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.

can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.

can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.

can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.

comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.

divides his time between running for office and running for cover.

has a straightforward way of dodging issues.

knows how far to go before he goes too far.

lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.

never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.

puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.

straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.

will approach every question with an open mouth.

will lay down your life for his country.

will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

***

Sa jeep:May lalake at babae na nakasakay

Di alam ng lalaki na bukas ang ZIPPER niya
Sinita siya ng babae at sinabing, Sir, bukas po ang zi...City hall nyo.
Pasimpleng sinara ng lalake ang zipper nya at sinabi sa babae:

Eh, ineng, nakita mo bang dumungaw si MAYOR?
Sagot ni babae: Hindi po... Pero lumabas po yung dalawang matandang konsehal.
***

Malapit nang lumabas ang isang baliw sa mental at may final interview siya sa isang doctor...
Doctor: Ano ito? (sabay turo sa ilong)
Baliw: Ilong, doc.
Doctor: Magaling!! Ano ito? (sabay turo sa tenga)
Baliw: Tenga, doc.
Doctor: Magaling ka na nga talaga!
Baliw: Bakit doc, katulad ko ba yung mga iba dyan na walang ganito? (sabay turo sa ulo niya)
Doctor: Bakit, ano ba yan?
Baliw: PUWET!!
***

SUNOG..... SUNOG....
PEDRO: Pare, nasunog ang bahay nyo kagabi.
JUAN: Oo pare, simot lahat.
PEDRO: Ano pala ang pinagsimulan ng sunog pare?
JUAN: Manok, pare.
PEDRO: Ha!!? Manok!? Paano nangyari yun?
JUAN: Sabi ng imbestigador, POULTRY WIRING.

Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

Diagnosis

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

Medical Problem

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Property Manager

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

The Big Question

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the second part first."

The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

Pulled Over

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."

Work Sayings...

For those sarcastic moments...

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

Latest news:

CGMA doctors found a cure for her bone disease. A specialist doctor who wanted to remain unnamed because of the sensitivity of the case confirmed that they found a cure for CGMAs problem. He said that the scrotum that CGMAs lawyer who have used it as a bargaining chip can be implanted on the spine of CGMA to act as a support since the said scrotum is soft and could serve as some kind of a shock absorber, to ease the pain that the patient is experiencing. But the doctor said, it would still depend on the size of the lawyers scrotum since if its too small, it would easily slipped out of her spine. There is another donor that they are considering, said the doctor. But the potential donor is still none committal since his name was recently lifted by the DOJ from the WLO (watch list order), and also has to consult with his girlfriend about the possible effect of removing his scrotum. The docotr declined to name the girlfriend since he is not at liberty to name her. But sources from the inside circles of the ex-president said that her name is Vicky Toh.